The Holidays Hold Both Light and Shadow

For many people, the holiday season brings warmth, togetherness, and joy. Yet for others, it also reawakens memories of loss, longing, and change. You may find yourself laughing with family one moment — and holding back tears the next.

Contrary to what we’re often told, gratitude doesn’t cancel out grief. The two emotions can exist side by side, and allowing them to coexist can actually deepen healing and emotional resilience.

The Science Behind Gratitude and Emotional Well-Being

Researchers have long linked gratitude to positive outcomes: improved mood, reduced stress, and stronger relationships. In a seminal study by Emmons & McCullough (2003), participants who wrote daily gratitude reflections reported significantly higher life satisfaction and fewer depressive symptoms.

Gratitude activates neural pathways in the brain associated with reward and connection — areas that help counterbalance anxiety and sadness (Zahn et al., 2009). Practicing gratitude during grief doesn’t erase pain, but it provides the emotional flexibility to hold joy and sorrow at the same time.

Why Grief Feels Especially Intense During the Holidays

Holidays act as emotional time capsules. They can highlight the presence of what’s missing — a person, a pet, a tradition that’s changed. Psychologist Dr. Robert Neimeyer, a leading voice in grief research, explains that “grieving involves reconstructing meaning after loss.” This means finding ways to integrate love and memory into your current life, rather than “moving on.”

During the holidays, every song, scent, or ritual can awaken those connections. That’s not regression — it’s remembrance.

Integrating Gratitude into Grief Work

When practiced gently, gratitude can serve as a stabilizing anchor during grief.
Here are small, realistic ways to weave it in:

1. Keep a “Both/And” Journal.
Each day, write one thing you’re missing and one thing you’re grateful for. For example:

“I miss my grandmother’s laughter. I’m grateful I learned her recipes.”

This dual awareness mirrors emotional integration — acknowledging what’s gone while affirming what endures.

2. Create a Memory Ritual.
Light a candle or hang an ornament for the person or pet you’ve lost. Rituals give grief a tangible place to rest. Studies show that meaningful rituals improve emotional regulation and reduce the intensity of loss-related distress (Norton & Gino, 2014).

3. Share Gratitude as Storytelling.
Telling stories about loved ones — their quirks, their favorite foods, their legacy — transforms grief from isolation to connection. Gratitude in this context becomes a way of saying, “Thank you for being part of my life.”

When Gratitude Becomes Pressure

Sometimes, gratitude messaging can unintentionally shame those in pain — the “you should just be grateful” narrative. But forced gratitude is not the same as authentic appreciation.

True gratitude arises naturally when we make space for all emotions, including sadness, anger, and loneliness. As therapist Megan Devine writes in It’s OK That You’re Not OK (2017), “Gratitude and grief are not opposites. They are companions, both helping us to live in the truth of love and loss.”

Therapy as a Place to Hold Both

Therapy offers a compassionate, nonjudgmental space to explore the mix of emotions that the holidays bring. At River Pines Counseling, we often remind clients:

You don’t have to choose between gratitude and grief — you can honor both.

Through evidence-based approaches like mindfulness, EMDR, and grief-informed therapy, clients learn to build emotional tolerance — the ability to experience complex emotions without being overwhelmed by them.

A Gentle Practice to Try

Find a quiet space.
Light a candle.
Take three slow breaths.
Then, complete these sentences:

“I’m grateful for…”
“I miss…”
“I hope…”

Read them aloud. Notice how your body feels. Gratitude and grief often coexist not as conflict, but as conversation.

Gratitude reminds us that even in loss, there was love. Grief reminds us how deeply that love mattered.
Together, they teach us how to live with a softer heart and a stronger sense of meaning.

If the holidays bring up complicated emotions for you, therapy can help you navigate them with care. Connect with River Pines Counseling to find balance, understanding, and peace through the season.

References

Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(2), 377–389.
Zahn, R. et al. (2009). The neural basis of human social values: Evidence from functional MRI. Cerebral Cortex.
Norton, M. I., & Gino, F. (2014). Rituals alleviate grieving for loved ones, lovers, and lotteries. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 143(1), 266–272.
Devine, M. (2017). It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand. Sounds True.
Neimeyer, R. A. (2001). Meaning Reconstruction and the Experience of Loss. American Psychological Association.

Gratitude and Grief: How to Hold Both During the Holidays